this is going somewhere, but for now it just circles.
the need to be loved is deep and natural in so many of us. this morning, i had an interesting conversation with a friend. it was as if my eyes could see into her relationship and my heart could feel the instances of fear and self-doubt, patterns of denial, of lowering self-importance, and i noticed these things because they are what i have seen since a very young age, and i can admit that i was doing the same things in my marriage. why does being less important somehow equate to having loyalty or being a good spouse? it's how i viewed it at the time. i don't know how my friend views it for herself right now, but i had this idea that if i could just commit enough, change enough, ease up a little, be less serious, be less sensitive, be less emotional, i could be a really cool half of my relationship. i was totally wrong to do that. the next time, no matter who it's with, my relationship is going to have to suck sometimes. i'm going to be sensitive to some jokes. i'm going to be serious about the things that are important to me. i'm going to make less sense if my feelings say one thing and my head says another. i'm going to say no if something really doesn't sit with me, even if i'm going to seem like i am a fun ruiner. i'm going to be fun my own way. i'm going to go after what i want, and not sit and wait for it to come to the guy's mind in some flash of brilliance - it's not fair to him and it's not fair to me to stay quiet. i'm going to hurt feelings. i'm going to be stupid and silly and ridiculous. and none of these things are going to be negative traits. i want to have neutral grounds for discussion and resolution. i want to agree to disagree. i want to be me and nobody else for nobody else. so, that's what i'm doing. i need love that's deep and natural, and i am beginning to see that that doesn't mean i should become invisible, or deny myself joy, or forget what i'm happy doing. i want to do what i like and i think there can be room for both people to do what they like as long as they remain respectful of what each other likes. being supportive of that is even better. being able to actually share it a little, like share even a small interest in it, is even better than that. it is. i can't even express how much is in my head today. i was listening to myself talking to my friend this morning - and it was like... who is this person? where did i get these ideas? when did i become so willing to say what needs saying again? i was surprised, and i was really liking it. i've been thinking of her and all of this ever since. honestly, it's been a long and thoughtful day and i'm still not done exploring. i am still finding out my needs/wants/wishes. i am so thrilled to have them.