always

It's a New Day

And therefore a new start. I don't know about  you, but I'm needing this. So, here's a thought: The way I see it, you showed up here because you're ready to make the changes in your life that you feel are necessary in order to become more...you. The good news is, it IS a new day, and the even better news is that with every new day we can turn small changes into real differences in how we think and act.

And because it's important to remember, in those times when we backslide, that we CAN move forward and we CAN complete our missions, let's take the time to reflect. Can you tell us of a time when you "fell off the wagon" or found yourself backsliding? How did you recover? Do you have the same struggles today?
  • Current Mood
    awake
torn

this is going somewhere, but for now it just circles.

the need to be loved is deep and natural in so many of us.  this morning, i had an interesting conversation with a friend.  it was as if my eyes could see into her relationship and my heart could feel the instances of fear and self-doubt, patterns of denial, of lowering self-importance, and i noticed these things because they are what i have seen since a very young age, and i can admit that i was doing the same things in my marriage.  why does being less important somehow equate to having loyalty or being a good spouse?  it's how i viewed it at the time.  i don't know how my friend views it for herself right now, but i had this idea that if i could just commit enough, change enough, ease up a little, be less serious, be less sensitive, be less emotional, i could be a really cool half of my relationship.  i was totally wrong to do that.  the next time, no matter who it's with, my relationship is going to have to suck sometimes.  i'm going to be sensitive to some jokes.  i'm going to be serious about the things that are important to me.  i'm going to make less sense if my feelings say one thing and my head says another.  i'm going to say no if something really doesn't sit with me, even if i'm going to seem like i am a fun ruiner.  i'm going to be fun my own way.  i'm going to go after what i want, and not sit and wait for it to come to the guy's mind in some flash of brilliance - it's not fair to him and it's not fair to me to stay quiet.  i'm going to hurt feelings.  i'm going to be stupid and silly and ridiculous.  and none of these things are going to be negative traits.  i want to have neutral grounds for discussion and resolution.  i want to agree to disagree.  i want to be me and nobody else for nobody else.  so, that's what i'm doing.  i need love that's deep and natural, and i am beginning to see that that doesn't mean i should become invisible, or deny myself joy, or forget what i'm happy doing.  i want to do what i like and i think there can be room for both people to do what they like as long as they remain respectful of what each other likes.  being supportive of that is even better. being able to actually share it a little, like share even a small interest in it, is even better than that.  it is.

i can't even express how much is in my head today.
i was listening to myself talking to my friend this morning - and it was like... who is this person?  where did i get these ideas?  when did i become so willing to say what needs saying again?  i was surprised, and i was really liking it.  i've been thinking of her and all of this ever since.  honestly, it's been a long and thoughtful day and i'm still not done exploring.  i am still finding out my needs/wants/wishes.  i am so thrilled to have them.

  • Current Mood
    calm calm
are ya ready?

(no subject)

i am watching to see how other people respond to situations that other people present either to them or just in some general way.  like on irc.  i notice that when somebody is having issues or some kind of trouble, my mind is racing for ways that said person can fix their problems or their life in a neat, efficient, and everybody is happy way - while other people go "oh, hey, dude.  that sucks."  and.. sometimes other people will just kind of nod along, mayyybe empathize, and that's the extent of it.  not me.  i'm changing their life for the better every second that ticks by me.  i have learned not to say about 50% of the things that i think in my head, but i am wondering if i shouldn't try to tame that even more.  most of the time, i like being helpful.  no - i LOVE being helpful.  but, people are not incredibly motivated to help themselves, i've seen.  this isnt' about anybody in particular, just what i seem to have discovered.  i am trying to find ways that i can think and be of help but not be like.. idk annoying or going on and on about something nobody is really going to care about anyhow.  it's something i want to change, without changing the compassion it derives from.  people are capable of fixing their own lives.  they just don't always.  i don't want to fix people.  i want to be a friend.  i love to do the work, as it's called, and find successful endings - just do.  i don't want to waste my affection or my attention or my skills at finding cool stuff and making awesome things happen, though.  some people really do waste those abilities of mine - ultimately i waste it by giving so much time and effort up.  it'd be nice to know WHEN to do that and to WHOM i should.  i really enjoy striving, it is a great, inspiring challenge for me that is ongoing and encouraging.  i love achievement. i love attainment.  i love being responsible for something great.

suggestions are welcome here, so if you have them, bring them.  it is very hard for me to figure out/discriminate how much help to be and to who.  or should i even bother to discriminate?  how do i keep from putting my energy into people that aren't putting any of their own into anything?  how do i keep from getting disappointed? 

i'm becoming really good at saying what i want.  is it as simple as that, just tell them straight out before i invest any of my effort.  i've kind of been doing that, but i am still kind of working this whole thing out.  help's appreciated.
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful wondering
always

"But if we hope for that which we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

that's from the bible.  romans 8:25.  it's something that stood out to me from reading this morning.  that's what my prayer/meditation time has turned into today - some reading and reasoning and thinking and prayer, too.  i read all of romans 8, and in context this line means even more to me, but singled out it still has flavor and i'm going to keep it in mind for today.
  • Current Mood
    calm calm
always

If you could

If you were to send yourself an ecard right now.. what would its theme be and what would you say to yourself?  if you were to say to yourself some of the things you wish someone else would say to you.. what would you want that to be?  You needn't respond, just consider.  talk again soon.

always

(no subject)

it's been forever since updating this journal!  i have made a lot of changes in the last year, some of which i am proud of and some that i am concerned for.  i plan to get back into this community and help it all come together somehow.  thanks for hanging in there with me!  i'm in a major transitional phase in my life right now and i'm totally going to use this space.  i hope you will, too.
always

from an lj friend:

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck  
written after she found out she was dying from cancer...

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "L ate r. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it.. . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you have a blessed day.
always

Community

One way to make significant changes in the way you feel about yourself and others is to volunteer at helping someone else.  It's my understanding that becoming a part of one's community is as much a selfless act as it is a self-fulfilling one.  In this way, every person is nurtured - other people are nurtured by your actions and your spirit is nurtured by your own capability - and your own bravery - of helping someone else.

Think about something you might do to contribute to the life of someone else in ways that will make others's lives become bearable, and think about being a volunteer.  To volunteer doesn't mean you need to join an organization and stick to it like a second job.. you can volunteer to anyone at any time.  Take the extra ten minutes to say "hell-o , how are you?" to someone sitting on a bench.... or step forward for your cousin to go out with his wife while you watch the kids for a couple of hours.  

I'm finding that in our world of ME ME ME, we are often living without the social benefit of being with and for other people.  We need to find ways to be in the world that are not restrictive in that they only serve our needs and purposes... we need to be in the world in ways that also serve the needs and purposes of others.  Most of us already have this inherent nature of servitude... but a lot of times we're too busy to give it much of our time or effort.   When you volunteer, remind yourself that this is an act of kindness you are providing... an act that isn't being done for an external reward.  Your reward is the knowledge that you are able to love, to give, to share.. it is simply that.

It's just a thought, but for me it helps to volunteer.  Maybe it will help you, too.