Log in

No account? Create an account
Out of the Chrysalis [entries|friends|calendar]
This Is Me

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

It's a New Day [15 Jul 2011|01:19am]

[ mood | awake ]

And therefore a new start. I don't know about  you, but I'm needing this. So, here's a thought: The way I see it, you showed up here because you're ready to make the changes in your life that you feel are necessary in order to become more...you. The good news is, it IS a new day, and the even better news is that with every new day we can turn small changes into real differences in how we think and act.

And because it's important to remember, in those times when we backslide, that we CAN move forward and we CAN complete our missions, let's take the time to reflect. Can you tell us of a time when you "fell off the wagon" or found yourself backsliding? How did you recover? Do you have the same struggles today?

2 comments|post comment

this is going somewhere, but for now it just circles. [23 May 2008|08:01pm]

[ mood | calm ]

the need to be loved is deep and natural in so many of us.  this morning, i had an interesting conversation with a friend.  it was as if my eyes could see into her relationship and my heart could feel the instances of fear and self-doubt, patterns of denial, of lowering self-importance, and i noticed these things because they are what i have seen since a very young age, and i can admit that i was doing the same things in my marriage.  why does being less important somehow equate to having loyalty or being a good spouse?  it's how i viewed it at the time.  i don't know how my friend views it for herself right now, but i had this idea that if i could just commit enough, change enough, ease up a little, be less serious, be less sensitive, be less emotional, i could be a really cool half of my relationship.  i was totally wrong to do that.  the next time, no matter who it's with, my relationship is going to have to suck sometimes.  i'm going to be sensitive to some jokes.  i'm going to be serious about the things that are important to me.  i'm going to make less sense if my feelings say one thing and my head says another.  i'm going to say no if something really doesn't sit with me, even if i'm going to seem like i am a fun ruiner.  i'm going to be fun my own way.  i'm going to go after what i want, and not sit and wait for it to come to the guy's mind in some flash of brilliance - it's not fair to him and it's not fair to me to stay quiet.  i'm going to hurt feelings.  i'm going to be stupid and silly and ridiculous.  and none of these things are going to be negative traits.  i want to have neutral grounds for discussion and resolution.  i want to agree to disagree.  i want to be me and nobody else for nobody else.  so, that's what i'm doing.  i need love that's deep and natural, and i am beginning to see that that doesn't mean i should become invisible, or deny myself joy, or forget what i'm happy doing.  i want to do what i like and i think there can be room for both people to do what they like as long as they remain respectful of what each other likes.  being supportive of that is even better. being able to actually share it a little, like share even a small interest in it, is even better than that.  it is.

i can't even express how much is in my head today.
i was listening to myself talking to my friend this morning - and it was like... who is this person?  where did i get these ideas?  when did i become so willing to say what needs saying again?  i was surprised, and i was really liking it.  i've been thinking of her and all of this ever since.  honestly, it's been a long and thoughtful day and i'm still not done exploring.  i am still finding out my needs/wants/wishes.  i am so thrilled to have them.

2 comments|post comment

[16 May 2008|04:11pm]

[ mood | wondering ]

i am watching to see how other people respond to situations that other people present either to them or just in some general way.  like on irc.  i notice that when somebody is having issues or some kind of trouble, my mind is racing for ways that said person can fix their problems or their life in a neat, efficient, and everybody is happy way - while other people go "oh, hey, dude.  that sucks."  and.. sometimes other people will just kind of nod along, mayyybe empathize, and that's the extent of it.  not me.  i'm changing their life for the better every second that ticks by me.  i have learned not to say about 50% of the things that i think in my head, but i am wondering if i shouldn't try to tame that even more.  most of the time, i like being helpful.  no - i LOVE being helpful.  but, people are not incredibly motivated to help themselves, i've seen.  this isnt' about anybody in particular, just what i seem to have discovered.  i am trying to find ways that i can think and be of help but not be like.. idk annoying or going on and on about something nobody is really going to care about anyhow.  it's something i want to change, without changing the compassion it derives from.  people are capable of fixing their own lives.  they just don't always.  i don't want to fix people.  i want to be a friend.  i love to do the work, as it's called, and find successful endings - just do.  i don't want to waste my affection or my attention or my skills at finding cool stuff and making awesome things happen, though.  some people really do waste those abilities of mine - ultimately i waste it by giving so much time and effort up.  it'd be nice to know WHEN to do that and to WHOM i should.  i really enjoy striving, it is a great, inspiring challenge for me that is ongoing and encouraging.  i love achievement. i love attainment.  i love being responsible for something great.

suggestions are welcome here, so if you have them, bring them.  it is very hard for me to figure out/discriminate how much help to be and to who.  or should i even bother to discriminate?  how do i keep from putting my energy into people that aren't putting any of their own into anything?  how do i keep from getting disappointed? 

i'm becoming really good at saying what i want.  is it as simple as that, just tell them straight out before i invest any of my effort.  i've kind of been doing that, but i am still kind of working this whole thing out.  help's appreciated.

3 comments|post comment

"But if we hope for that which we see not, then do we with patience wait for it." [13 May 2008|08:11am]

[ mood | calm ]

that's from the bible.  romans 8:25.  it's something that stood out to me from reading this morning.  that's what my prayer/meditation time has turned into today - some reading and reasoning and thinking and prayer, too.  i read all of romans 8, and in context this line means even more to me, but singled out it still has flavor and i'm going to keep it in mind for today.

post comment

If you could [28 Mar 2007|06:42pm]


If you were to send yourself an ecard right now.. what would its theme be and what would you say to yourself?  if you were to say to yourself some of the things you wish someone else would say to you.. what would you want that to be?  You needn't respond, just consider.  talk again soon.

post comment

[16 Mar 2007|09:22am]

it's been forever since updating this journal!  i have made a lot of changes in the last year, some of which i am proud of and some that i am concerned for.  i plan to get back into this community and help it all come together somehow.  thanks for hanging in there with me!  i'm in a major transitional phase in my life right now and i'm totally going to use this space.  i hope you will, too.
post comment

from an lj friend: [30 Nov 2006|07:17am]

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck  
written after she found out she was dying from cancer...

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "L ate r. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it.. . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you have a blessed day.
post comment

Whenever life comes at me with different views... [28 Nov 2006|05:22am]


I stop myself and look.  Maybe life has something to show to me.

post comment

Community [01 Nov 2006|05:17pm]


One way to make significant changes in the way you feel about yourself and others is to volunteer at helping someone else.  It's my understanding that becoming a part of one's community is as much a selfless act as it is a self-fulfilling one.  In this way, every person is nurtured - other people are nurtured by your actions and your spirit is nurtured by your own capability - and your own bravery - of helping someone else.

Think about something you might do to contribute to the life of someone else in ways that will make others's lives become bearable, and think about being a volunteer.  To volunteer doesn't mean you need to join an organization and stick to it like a second job.. you can volunteer to anyone at any time.  Take the extra ten minutes to say "hell-o , how are you?" to someone sitting on a bench.... or step forward for your cousin to go out with his wife while you watch the kids for a couple of hours.  

I'm finding that in our world of ME ME ME, we are often living without the social benefit of being with and for other people.  We need to find ways to be in the world that are not restrictive in that they only serve our needs and purposes... we need to be in the world in ways that also serve the needs and purposes of others.  Most of us already have this inherent nature of servitude... but a lot of times we're too busy to give it much of our time or effort.   When you volunteer, remind yourself that this is an act of kindness you are providing... an act that isn't being done for an external reward.  Your reward is the knowledge that you are able to love, to give, to share.. it is simply that.

It's just a thought, but for me it helps to volunteer.  Maybe it will help you, too.

post comment

A very inspiring message! [22 Oct 2006|12:43am]

post comment

Hello All [30 Sep 2006|07:52pm]

Hi All. Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm a 20 yr old college student. At this point in my life, I've made the decision to work toward realizing my authenticate self. Since the effort began, I must say that I'm the happiest I've ever been. Glad to have found this community and looking forward to getting to know everyone.
4 comments|post comment

Quote from Robert Southey - English poet 1774-1843 [26 Sep 2006|07:25pm]

I have told you of the Spaniard who always put on his spectacles when about to eat cherries, that they might look bigger and more tempting. In like manner I make the most of my enjoyments; and though I do not cast my cares away, I pack them in as little compass as I can , and carry them as conveniently as I can for myself, and never let them annoy others.
post comment

Why fast? [24 Sep 2006|07:45pm]

Fasting is a physical discipline that translates into ethical behavior. It provides a day of intense self-searching and an earnest communication with the Creator. Fasting requires an internal calm, it slows down our biological rhythms, and is often done in secret so that others will not feel sad for us, or feel as though we suffer.

Fasting isn't a way of suffering, though. It is a choice we make to unlock the shackles of modern enviorons: fast foods, fast lives... all of the ingredients which pass our lips, or enter our ears, or get absorbed by our eyes, without a thought. To allow yourself to fast is a chance to be fed wisdom that will reveal your spirit. It is recommended that a fasting last for a single day. Choose a day when external influences will not dampen your excitement. A fast should be something you choose to do in order to cleanse your body biologically and to listen readily to the messages of your spirit.

Fasting can mean going without food and water, or food only, or only a certain type of food.

Think of detoxifying for one day. (Please do not fast for any longer than 24 hours.)

Be safe, be well.

Those who choose to fast, it'll be interesting to see your results. Please post your comments on here so we can all share our experiences.
4 comments|post comment

This is what I asked for: [25 Aug 2006|04:24pm]

What is needing to happen in your life so that you can be as you truly are? I asked this of Sean the other day. Sean is a friend of a friend who is awaiting sentencing for his third D.U.I. He'll be in prison, this time, for a long time.

Sean drinks his beer from a bottle that nests between his legs on the way home from work as a journeyman electrician. It's become his lifestyle to drop back the brew throughout the night and fire up an ace to cap off an evening. To Sean, this is the life... sort of.

He's a truly big guy, with a deep and throaty voice. He sounds uneducated, quite dumb really, and while he has the biggest, deepest heart you could imagine... he doesn't often make intelligent decisions.

His friends are "bikers." (this doesn't help stereotypes) Some of his friends are twelve-stepping it and some of them are still happy to buy rounds and kick back to talk "Harley." Most of them do drink, most of them smoke more than a Marlboro. Sometimes they'll freebase coke.. sometimes they'll smoke crack... most of the time it's 'tame' and doesn't get any worse than some beer and a joint.

Sean's lucky that he passed his electrician's exam and has his initial license. He doesn't aspire to go on to get his Masters... it's easier to hang back and pick up work here and there.

So, he's got no outward ambition, doesn't bother anybody, keeps to himself and his girlfriend.. and his small circle of buddies.. is a great guy when it comes right down to it, but he's stuck.

He admits that he's stuck in this lifestyle that he doesn't know how to go about coming out of, and what's difficult about that is that Sean -wants- out of it. It is such a part of him to drink and share drugs, to work wherever, not really having any roots anywhere, with anyone, not having to commit to anything but one job at a time, with one contractor at a time.

He's able to function as a drinker and a drug user... so much that he can wire someone's home... and yet to look at him, to talk to him, there is no hiding the fact that he lives easily in this smoking-drinking world.

That would be fine if it was what Sean truly wanted.. but it wasn't. It still isn't, but now he is so immersed in the culture that he doesn't know how to be any other way.

His skin, hair, nails and eyes all share the affects of his choices. His speech and vocabulary portrays brain cells that consistently misfire. He wants to be a smart man, and he can be.. He wants to be a loving man, and he is. He wants to live more freely... and is just coming to the realization that smoking weed and drinking his nights away and inconsistency of employment are far less than living a life of freedom (though they are packaged as the most freeing style of life!)

So, he wants out. So, he told me this over the phone... never having revealed this much to anyone in his life before.

I asked "What does your life need, Sean? What needs to happen to you, or for you, so that you can have confidence that living the way you really want to is going to be okay, that you can do it and you can really make it the way you want it to be?"

Sean said, "That's a really good question." Through his tears, over the phone, I heard, "I don't have an answer, Wendy. That's a really good question."

But, I think he knows the answer. I think we all know our answers, but are afraid to ask the questions.. because we know we will hear that the road to take is the hardest, bumpiest, loneliest, longest one... and we are always looking for options to that.

I hope Sean keeps in touch with me, and I hope his time in prison will help him to really hear the answers that he has inside of him. I hope Sean will dare to be the man he yearns for. I can hear the man inside of him. I hear him and I can't bring him out... only Sean can. Through hard work at things like responsibility and integrity and morality and spirituality and endurance, trust, hope... and above all.. love.

My prayer is that each of us will finally listen to the man or woman that exists in there... and let him or her live. Just let go and let live.

I asked God for motivation in my life.... to live this authentically myself.. and he sent me Sean. It's a message I can't ignore nor keep to myself.
2 comments|post comment

Believing in Ourselves [13 Aug 2006|09:31pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]


Greet each day as a new opportunity to get out there and prove who you are and why you're valuable to your family, your friends and your coworkers.

post comment

flirtin with success [09 Aug 2006|11:59am]

So. I'm not sure what to do, what to put my whole self into.. or do I just keep distributing parts and allow the sum of the parts to equal the whole?

I. Need. Guidance.
1 comment|post comment

Wendy: Speaking from Deep Bliss [20 Jul 2006|09:48pm]

While I'm aware of the financial obligation, I'm also aware of health and age. Health and age are prioritizing themselves above and beyond financial responsibility... this is what happens when you wait too long/are afraid for too long to add to your family. Now, we are moving forward with a plan to conceive by the end of this year, to have a child by the middle of next year, and all other plans shoulw swimmingly go along. Right? *wink*

I can honestly say that I think they will. It feels right to be not only exploring the possibility of this opportunity, but to actually allow it to happen. It feels more right than any other "path" I've been looking and/or traveling through.

I know I made my nickname wendythemommy.. but it is yet to reach its full potential. Be with me as I take this journey, as scary as it gets.
post comment

To Succeed in life [16 Jul 2006|02:57am]

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson
2 comments|post comment

the end of the world news (the beginning) [04 Jul 2006|02:06am]

time is a luxury i cant afford to imagine. all those gilded clocks so much more valuable than the gold they're gilded with. the clock tics toc back to a time when the keys on a keyboard had a different kind of music than the tic tac tocs that i'm hearing right now. "the piano is a string instrument" a voice that has followed me since i heard it once tak'd that.
so i followed my roots.
thats the meaning of the post after all.
finding out what i knew all along. words are such fickle things, had me convinced my thoughts needed them. i followed my roots, finding out what i knew all along. i found the dirt. the dry dusty soil under my feet, barren and moldy like an old book i'd forgotten i had meant to read. so i blow off the dust off the cover, and read the last sentence first.

the moral of the story...

never judge a book by its ending
1 comment|post comment

3 minute meditation, then Sh. [27 Jun 2006|04:10pm]

Using a word that means nothing to you - one that will not trigger thought - close your eyes where you are, as you are. Let your breath flow naturally. Listen to it. Allow your posture to relax. Use your voice to chant your word. Keep its tone even. Repeat your word until you know you are deeply rooted in meditation. You will know this because your thoughts will stop intruding and your body will feel at ease. Be quiet. Open your eyes. Still remaining quiet, choose to do something you like: type a letter, light a candle, play an instrument, draw a picture. Whatever you do next, do it in the quiet that you've created. Only when you are finished with your project (the instrument, the candle, the letter, or what have you) should you allow yourself to speak again. Avoid any phone calls or interaction with other people until then, also.

You will be amazed by the affect that three minutes will give to your day, and what difference you feel when you do your activity in the quiet, restful state.
2 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]